what is (and never will be)
by Caliente
Summary: What if Ryan acted differently after the grenade incident in autopsy revealed Tara's addiction? An exploration of reality… and what could have been. –– partially AU, set during the end of Season 7 and beyond; implied Ryan/Tara romantic potential
1. Prologue

**Author's Note:** So I had an idea for a "what if?" type universe involving Ryan and Tara at the end of Season 7 and decided to go with it. Dialogue in the prologue may look familiar—I took it directly from the show. This only happens here in order to illustrate the inner-workings of Ryan's choice of action and how a different one then alters everything that follows. So, just to be clear, this part (and the epilogue) will be within the show canon and the chapters in-between will explore the "what if?" idea from the summary. Yeah, I _really_ hope that makes sense. Also, I'm still familiarizing myself with _CSI: Miami_ somewhat, so any errors/OOCness/etc. is completely unintentional. And this is unbeta'd, so feel free to point out any mistakes, please!**  
>Continuity: <strong>set during 7x23 and 7x24**  
>Disclaimer: <strong>Characters mentioned are used without permission and are trademarks of Jerry Bruckheimer/CBS; I am simply borrowing them for my purposes. Please don't sue.**  
><strong>

**what is (and never will be)  
><strong>by, Bether

**Prologue: The Way of Things**

Tara turns to see Ryan watching her. "It's not what you think."

"I think it's exactly what I think—you're showing up late to crime scenes, taking pills at work… what is that?" His gaze never wavers but she refuses to answer. "Is that Oxy? Yeah, you got a problem. There comes a point in addiction where you don't care if you get caught anymore. You're there."

She clears her throat, agitated.

"What's going to happen when you mess up in autopsy—?"

She interrupts: "It's not going to happen."

"I used to say the same thing when I was gambling," Ryan persists. "Now I told you what would happen if I caught you doing this again."

Kyle bustles into the room and Tara's eyes plead with him. "Please. Okay?" But they both know it's too late now, that this has gone too far.

* * *

><p><em>Several Days Earlier…<em>

Ryan thinks he's being gentle. He's trying to be, at any rate. (It doesn't always come easily or naturally to him.) "Are you hooked?"

"No." Tara's dead serious; she honestly believes what she's saying. "They're for pain."

"How come the first thing you do as soon as a grenade goes off is run for your drugs?" he asks pointedly.

"You know what?" She moves to leave "I—"

Ryan stops her. "Listen." This is the moment. This is when he has to decide. Does he protect her from the bureaucracy or from herself? Does he gamble with caring or keep it professional?

The problem, in essence, is that he likes Dr. Price, has respected her up until today. Has felt them slowly building toward _something_—work buddies, friendship, maybe even genuine caring.

But. She's new, she's not asking for his help, and she's crossing into more dangerous territory than he ever did. (Or so he tells himself. It's easier to think that way on the other side of his problem.)

In the end, he makes the simpler choice. "I need you to kick this," he says. "'Cause next time I can't sweep this under the rug for you."

There's a long stretch of silence and then Tara relaxes, just a little. "I'm fine. I promise you." She says it with wide eyes to show how honest she's being. That's how he knows she hasn't hit bottom yet, that it's only a matter of time before she destroys her whole world. (That he's made the wrong choice.)

She smiles a little before she turns away. Ryan watches her go and wonders what if. What if he'd made a different decision? What would this story look like then?

(Because he can already see the ending of this one and it isn't pretty. Tara fired. Tara arrested. Tara _dead_. The spiral will only continue downward—it always does. And this right here? This is where he has to walk away, to leave her to take her path alone. If he doesn't, he risks being dragged down along with her. And that's not a risk he's willing to take.)


	2. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:** Okay, just for the record, I have a bit of familiarity with addiction and twelve step programs but this is just one take on how things might go. Which means there's some conjecture in here where I'm hoping you can suspend your disbelief. (If you can't, tell me! I want to know!) Also, you'll note some of the dialogue/internal monologue at the start is repeated from the first chapter—this is to demonstrate the change from the show's reality to the "what if" world where things went differently. And, um, yeah. Still hoping this makes sense! Thanks for reading. :)**  
>Continuity:<strong> set during, then diverging from 7x23**  
>Disclaimer: <strong>Characters mentioned are used without permission and are trademarks of Jerry Bruckheimer/CBS; I am simply borrowing them for my purposes. Please don't sue.**  
><strong>

****what is (and never will be)  
><strong>**by, Bether

**Chapter 1: A Tilting Scale**

Ryan thinks he's being gentle. He's trying to be, at any rate. (It doesn't always come easily or naturally to him.) "Are you hooked?"

"No." Tara's dead serious; she honestly believes what she's saying. "They're for pain."

"How come the first thing you do as soon as a grenade goes off is run for your drugs?" he asks pointedly.

"You know what?" She moves to leave "I—"

Ryan stops her. "Listen." This is the moment. This is when he has to decide. Does he protect her from the bureaucracy or from herself? Does he gamble with caring or keep it professional?

This time, the scale tips in the opposite direction. It'd be easier to distance himself from her—simpler. But that wouldn't make it _right_. And when he was digging his own grave, Horatio gave him a chance. Maybe it's time to return the favor. (Not that she'll appreciate it. God only knows he sure as hell didn't.)

"Walk with me." He takes Tara by the arm and guides her forward, around the chaos that is currently autopsy and toward the elevator.

When they're out of earshot again, he starts talking: "There was a CSI who worked here a few years back. Nice guy, hard worker. He got into some stuff—" The elevator arrives and Ryan ushers her onto it, pressing the third floor button.

Her brows are furrowed as Tara looks at him. "Stuff?"

He waves it off. "Doesn't matter." And, the strange thing was, it really didn't. "At first, it didn't affect his work. Then… it _did_." Ryan smirks a little. It's not a happy sort of expression. "But he convinced himself it wasn't happening, that the incidents were flukes. And then his problem came walking into interrogation one day, asking to talk with him. That's when he made his biggest mistake—he lied."

The elevator ding and the doors open to reveal their floor. Ryan moves forward, still escorting her with his hand on her elbow. "He'd gotten so used to lying to himself and omitting to his colleagues that it honestly didn't seem like that big of a deal. Except this time he got caught."

Ryan stops, turning to face her. "H gave him a chance to come clean. A _real_ chance, Tara. And even though the CSI knew he was caught, he kept lying." He shakes his head, looking away momentarily. "That's the thing about addiction, you know? It's a compulsion. The lying was the same way." He meets her gaze evenly. "It was too easy to feel invincible, too easy to pretend."

Shrugging, he lets his hand fall away. "Until reality came crashing down around him and he lost everything—his self-respect, his friends, his _job_. That's when he couldn't pretend anymore. When he had to face the truth, ugly as it was. And it was hard, no doubt about it, but there was also this weight lifted off him. This relief in knowing he could look at his reflection and know that it was _real_."

Tara does not look convinced. "Nice story."

"It's not a _story_. It's true." (It's basically a version of what he shares whenever he's the speaker at GA meetings.)

She gives him a Look. "And this guy just _told_ you all of that?"

He returns it with a pointed one of his own. "Didn't have to."

It takes a moment, then her eyes widen. "Oh. _Ohhh._"

"Yeah." Ryan smiles a little and nods toward the door to Horatio's office. "Don't make the same mistake I did. Tell H the truth."

"But—"

He shakes his head, expression serious again. "Tell him the truth, Tara, or I will. I won't enable you by covering this up."

For the first time genuine fear creeps onto her face. (Because, deep down, she knows the truth just like he had. She hasn't admitted it, not to anyone—including herself!—but it's still there. Staring her in the face. Mocking her because she's a _doctor_ for God's sake! She should be better than this and it kills her that she's not.)

He doesn't waver, though, so she nods slowly and moves to enter the office. Satisfied, if a bit emotionally drained, Ryan turns away.

"Hey, Ryan." He turns back to look at Tara. "Thanks—for telling me all that. I… have a feeling I'm not going to be in the mood to say it later, but I _do_ appreciate it." He can see in her eyes that she means it, that she knows it wasn't easy and that he didn't have to.

His small smile returns and he nods his encouragement. She tries to smile in return but it's weak. Then she goes to face the music.

For a moment he looks through the glass into H's office, wondering if he'll ever see Dr. Tara Price again. It isn't a small thing, what she's done, and there will be consequences—likely worse ones than he had to face. But he hopes he does, that she makes it to the other side because she's not a bad person.

Ryan vows to tell her that if he does see her again. It never hurts to hear it, especially from someone who's been there.


	3. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: **A little later than I meant to post—got a head cold. ('Tis the season, right?) Anyway. We're still in the AU (SEE: continuity notes below), this is still unbeta'd and I'm still hoping for reviews. ;) Cheers!**  
>Continuity:<strong> continuing from the divergent 7x23 and into 7x24**  
>Disclaimer: <strong>Characters mentioned are used without permission and are trademarks of Jerry Bruckheimer/CBS; I am simply borrowing them for my purposes. Please don't sue.**  
><strong>

****what is (and never will be)  
><strong>**by, Bether**  
><strong>

**Chapter 2: Change Begets Change**

The visit from Horatio is not entirely unexpected. "Mr. Wolfe."

Ryan looks up from the experiments he's been running and nods his greeting. "Hey, H."

As is Horatio's way, there's no preamble: "I want to commend you for what you did, pushing Dr. Price to speak with me."

Ryan shrugs. "It was nothing."

"On the contrary, Mr. Wolfe," Horatio counters, "it took a great deal of courage to share what you did with someone who knew nothing of your troubled past."

His neck flushes red and Ryan hopes his boss doesn't notice. (Yeah, right—they're CSIs and detectives. They _detect_ things.) "You gave me a chance once… I wanted to give Tara the same." And _someone_ ought to be able to learn from his mistakes.

Horatio nods once. "Well, thanks to you, she still has one."

Ryan raises his brows, curious.

"We worked out a plea deal," the lieutenant explains. "She'll have to go through a ninety day rehab program, work two hundred hours of community service, pay a number of fines and remain on probation for the next five years. As for whether she keeps her medical license, that's up to the American Medical Association—although her prescription writing abilities have been suspended indefinitely.

"In exchange, she agreed to plead guilty to the charges leveled against her and walk us through how she took the drugs in the hopes we can install preventative measures." Horatio smiled a little. "She volunteered an apology to Kyle, as well."

"Good." Ryan smiles in return. "That's good." His expression turns to one of concern. "After everything that happened yesterday, is he doing all right..?"

Horatio nods again. "He's resilient." There's a special sort of pride in his voice. His countenance shifts and he slips on his signature sunglasses. "I'm off to speak with his mother to clear up the misunderstanding."

Ryan winces internally—Julia Winston is not a gentle woman. "Good luck."

"Thank you, Mr. Wolfe." Horatio slips on his sunglasses and exits the lab smoothly.

Ryan watches him momentarily, pensive. He has a feeling his words are about more than the offer of luck. That makes him smile again as he returns to work.

* * *

><p>Ryan is surprised to see IAB Agent Rick Stetler when he arrives at work the following day. He spots Natalia nearby and goes to her. "Hey, what's Stetler doing here?"<p>

Natalia glances at him, frowning slightly. "I guess there was some kind of incident when Horatio went to see Julia yesterday. She started rambling about Kyle and then pulled out a gun…"

Eyes wide, he looks at her again. "Is H—?"

"Fine," she assures him with a quick, tight smile. "He calmed her down, disarmed her. They're trying to decide how to handle the incident." Natalia's expression is sad. "Sounds to me like she needs some real help…"

Ryan nods absently. "Yeah. Guess it's a good thing H went to visit her, huh?" Julia Winston unbalanced and with a gun was an undoubtedly dangerous combination. She could have done some real damage if not for Horatio's intervention.

Natalia nods, as well. "A _very_ good thing," she agrees.

They watch Stetler and Horatio's tense conversation together for another moment before heading off to their respective labs—they still have plenty of work to do and this doesn't _actually_ concern them. (No matter how curious they might be.)


End file.
